....So the lack of writing and reading in my life is starting to show, I'm not really sure that anyone even really reads these pointless rants about nothing, but it clears my head and for some reason helps me to sleep better....
I've come to realize that unless I have some sort of mental stimulation during the day my brain goes into overdrive, I over analyze, over think, and over worry about everything in my life. Thats pointless, you say. . . yes indeed it is quite pointless, but for some apparent reason it is what my brain chooses to do instead of the typical realization of, oh i'm in bed now, I should be getting sleepy. Wonderful, huh?
Whats even worse is at night is when my mind comes to life, I write a million stories, and a million poems all before I go to sleep, if there were some sort of way for me to record them , before I fall asleep without me getting out of bed that would be amazing....and dont suggest my phone, I'm far too lazy to spend all that time typing on that tiny little keybord. I ocassionally decide to make the effort to get out of bed, turn on my computer, and type a fury of words in no particular order.
So here goes an attempt at part one of a story I hopefully will continue and finish. You my readers are going to be my sounding board. lol. Please note this is all being written off the top of my head. . . and I am somewhat tired. . . .and running out of options to wear myself out. lol. so I
have no clue how its going to sound, please be merciful.
Part one.
It was just like any other day, wake up, grudgingly pour myself juice, I dont like coffee, its too bitter, but then again so is juice after brushing your teeth. Today, I was out of juice, and milk, and pretty much anything else. The few groceries I bought with my miniscule paycheck from my underpaying job as a secretary at a office off of Main Street, fell through, they said I didnt give the boss a very important message, one I didnt receive, because I was on my lunch break, and the answering system was conviently down, and no one remembered to tell me, because well quite honestly I was easily overlooked.
Yeah, it was just another day.
I decided since I obviously didnt have to work then why not, have a "Breakfast at Tiffanys" day, you know the old movie where Audrey Hephburn gets up every morning, and gets all dolled up, just to go get doughnuts and coffee, and stare wishfully into the windows of the infamous jewlery store, Tiffanys.
So I did it, I put on a cute little cocktail dress, did my make up, put on my favorite shoes, and paid extra attention to my hair, "tres magnifique" I said to no one, other than the reflection in the mirror.
On my way out, I said, take care of the house cat.
The closest thing to a Tiffanys we had in my small little town was the local Pawn Shops, or the chain jewlery stores. I decided on the Pawn shop, only because I half expected a reaction, for some reason little old men gawking at me amused me this morning. So I went by a convience store, got myself one of those sugar packed breakfast cakes, a $.89 cup of coffee, light on the coffee, and headed out.
On arriving at the shop, I discovered that yes the early bird indeed gets the worm, but I was a bit too early, most shops dont open until at least 9:00 AM this one did not open until 10 O'clock. It was 8:00 in the morning, I was a bit early. Since I knew they wouldnt be open, I settled on going home and back to bed for a while, maybe sleep was what I needed after all.
to be continued.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
For the life of me I cant remember......
Its been a while since I've written on here.....its been a while since I've written much of anything to be honest. I decided after a conversation the other night tho that it was high time I start again, considering its the way I normally vent my feelings, lol. Maybe my seemingly lost muse will appear again, that would be nice.
So this blog may at times offend, bore, or worry you, please dear reader dont judge me for my words, this is merely an outlet for my innermost thoughts, and I am letting you in, I am letting you see a side of me so few get to see and so few get to experience. You probably will learn thigs about me that I never would share in a million lifetimes. But thats ok, thats part of life, please share your thoughts, concerns and questions, I love questions especially because it gives me things to ponder, and things to write about.
now for a quick update from the real world on my year so far. . .
January: Almost died, the third near death experience I had in under a year. . . .Ended up having major surgery, Everything is fine now, healed wonderfully.
During recovery. . . started dating bruce again *finally as everyone said* and moved in with him.
February: Docs gave good reports on stomach, and told me I was cancer free.
March: RIP CHASE MARSHALL, this news devistated me for the familys sake.
April-May: nothing too significant happened, paps health is declining, and after a hospital stay they move into my old room at mom and dads.
June: We start the move to the new house. o boy.
Bruce starts JSO.
July: so far..... The Stacy family reunion.....
Yeah my year may be slightly less eventful than last year, but its plus one surgery minus a trip or two and car wrecks, lol. I've been doing wonderful, and I'm looking forward to trying to figure out my writing thing.lol.
anyway. . . i know that was a boring post. but its late and this chick has got to go to bed.
x's and o's
tina
So this blog may at times offend, bore, or worry you, please dear reader dont judge me for my words, this is merely an outlet for my innermost thoughts, and I am letting you in, I am letting you see a side of me so few get to see and so few get to experience. You probably will learn thigs about me that I never would share in a million lifetimes. But thats ok, thats part of life, please share your thoughts, concerns and questions, I love questions especially because it gives me things to ponder, and things to write about.
now for a quick update from the real world on my year so far. . .
January: Almost died, the third near death experience I had in under a year. . . .Ended up having major surgery, Everything is fine now, healed wonderfully.
During recovery. . . started dating bruce again *finally as everyone said* and moved in with him.
February: Docs gave good reports on stomach, and told me I was cancer free.
March: RIP CHASE MARSHALL, this news devistated me for the familys sake.
April-May: nothing too significant happened, paps health is declining, and after a hospital stay they move into my old room at mom and dads.
June: We start the move to the new house. o boy.
Bruce starts JSO.
July: so far..... The Stacy family reunion.....
Yeah my year may be slightly less eventful than last year, but its plus one surgery minus a trip or two and car wrecks, lol. I've been doing wonderful, and I'm looking forward to trying to figure out my writing thing.lol.
anyway. . . i know that was a boring post. but its late and this chick has got to go to bed.
x's and o's
tina
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Mask I Wear.
I wrote this piece based off of a true story. I'm not going to share which facts involving people are true and which are not, however all facts pertaining to myself are true.
anyway share your thoughts.
The Mask I wear
I feel myself waking up, I try fighting it but there’s no use. I can’t sleep on nights like this, when reality is better than my dreams, the ones that remind me that life just isn’t fair, and nothing goes the way it should. Maybe, it’s the other way around. My head feels like it’s about to implode from the pressure that’s constantly mounting, my eyes are so heavy. I hold them open just enough to see what’s going on, something I learned from watching my lazy cat one day. I’m greeted by the suffocating darkness, and silence that would kill the senses. I feel around for my phone so I can check the time, and accidentally press a button, the darkness is drowned out by one tiny little beam of light that tells me that in an hour I have to be out of bed, 6:15 a.m.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP 7:20 a.m. I want to throw my phone, I want to shatter it and make that noise stop. That sound means I have to leave the comfort of my safe, warm bed, to face the world, even worse still, myself. I give myself ten minutes to lay and fully wake up. Then like a little old lady I get out of bed with my back hunched over, and my hand on my hip, limping, favoring my right leg. I’m 21, I shouldn’t be so stiff, I think to myself. It seems that there’s always been something wrong with me though. I’ve fallen and hurt myself more times than I could help, I’m clumsy like that. When I watch movies that have the one girl that’s really nerdy, who always drops things, or trips over completely flat surfaces, I relate, I’m that girl. What makes that odd is at the same time I can be the girl she turns into, I walk better in my five inch leopard print stilettos than I can my black worn out converse, I can turn my naturally curly mane into near works of art, when I feel like it, which is rare.
I feel like I was beaten with a baseball bat last night, I’m stiff and sore. The really bad thing about that is I didn’t do anything to be stiff and sore. The only things really taking beatings these days are my self esteem and pride.
7:35 a.m. I don’t look at myself in the mirror while I wash my face or brush my teeth, I don’t want to face the reality yet. Finally, I look up and greet the familiar face that is staring back at me, the face I love to hate. I spend the next few seconds preparing my mask, the one I don’t always wear, but I almost always have ready at any minute. Unlike most women, it’s not a mask of powders, colors, tints, and dye. It’s a mask I created long ago, a mask woven with deceit, and lies. The mask that protects my insecurities from everyone around me, and fools them to believe what I want them to. I stare long and hard at the face looking back at me, and a lifetime of emotions and memories surface all at once, a single salty tear caresses my cheek. Inside my head, all I hear is screaming. Lifelong questions, I never voiced to anyone but myself, why…why...WHY?!?! I really just don’t want to deal with this again today, but it’s the hand I was dealt so I’m playing it the best I know how, bluffing through a lot of it. I’ve had a lifetime to perfect my poker face. I’m good at pretending everything is ok. I don’t talk about the things that make me weak, they are my own personal enemies. Things I’d much rather face alone than in a crowd. So I don my mask, the one that is so transparent. So clear you don’t even know its there, it fools you, which is exactly its purpose. I don’t like pity, I loathe people feeling sorry for me, or treating me different. Behind my mask, I quietly watch.
At birth I was diagnosed with a skin disorder, that causes my cells to reproduce too rapidly and creates an “extra layer of skin” as the doctors and my parents have explained. I always liked to think I was some sort of superhuman, it made me feel better about it. The doctors said a lot of things, they usually do. They told my parents they didn’t really know what would happen, they could only say what might happen. They didn’t really know what to do, my case is the only documented case like it in the world, out of 6 billion plus people, I make being “one of a kind” something completely different. My parents sheltered me and exposed me to the world all at once. They cared for me, and taught me. I was forced to grow up, face, and accept things that some adults can’t accept, and deal with. Nothing could ever prepare me for the things that I would have to deal with though.
I realized how cruel the world was in third grade, at a private school.
The leaves were all gone from the trees, and it was bitterly cold outside. This meant we were stuck inside all day long. We had a daily routine, at my school, the day would start off with prayer, and go straight into Bible Studies. It was more of a Bible history class than just reading Bible stories, that day we read the story of the “Ten lepers”, in the story Jesus heals ten men who are struck with leprosy. I didn’t like where this was headed.
Our teacher explained leprosy to the class, “Its like a skin problem” she states in a matter of fact pious tone, like she does with everything, “you can see it on their skin, and in those times those people were thought to be unclean, so the Jewish people would have nothing to do with them. Because they didn’t want leprosy themselves.”
As soon as the words started pouring out of her mouth, I felt my face turning red hot, not because I had leprosy, but because I noticed the other students in class turning to look at me, including my friends, the girls I ate lunch with every day, the girls I talked with, and played with. My stomach knotted up, and tremors of tears hit my eyes, all at once. I fought off the tears, and took deep breaths, it would be ok, I kept telling myself, I’ll just explain it all.
Lunch time. I was always a picky eater, I brought my own lunch. I went over to ask my friends where they were sitting, I got a cold “We don’t know yet”. I decided that I would just go and sit down, they’d join me once they got through line, wouldn’t they?
Lunch was over, I made a mental note to thank Mom once I got home, she packed my favorite, Cajun Shrimp and Alfredo, with a cookie and a note that said, I love you baby girl always remember that! I hope you are having a good day! Love always Mommy she even drew her signature heart next to her name. That made me feel better, Mom’s are good like that.
After a day of being avoided and ignored, it was time for gym class. We had free time, so I went over to the girls I normally played with, they stepped away and told me not to come near them, that they didn’t want what I had, I had leprosy. I tried explaining that I didn’t, but it just didn’t work like that, it was too late, they wouldn’t listen. I was shunned for the first time in my life. Tears began welling up in my eyes as I walked away. I sat by myself the rest of the class, determining that if they have a problem it was their problem, not mine. I went home that night, and spent what seemed like forever in front of my bathroom mirror building this mask that I wear now. The one that show’s that this just doesn’t bother me. That I’m tough and I can handle anything you throw at me.
A few days later we were doing what kids do, playing together again, laughing & smiling; but I never really was the same.
Years down the line, we were in 8th grade, we had came so far from that day in 3rd grade, we were about to walk across the stage that we had walked across so many times before, Christmas plays, awards, playing, the familiar surroundings would be a faint memory of what used to be, maybe was even forgotten.
I look at the girls next to me, and silently remind myself that people really do change.
My phone buzzes and snaps me back to reality, I hurry and get dressed before I’m late, again. I sigh a deep relieving sigh, I know I really am too hard on myself, and that was a long time ago, but it made me strong, I don’t want to be weak. One last glance and I’m out the door. Facing my fears, and fighting away the memories and emotions that flood over me almost daily.
8:20 a.m.
anyway share your thoughts.
The Mask I wear
I feel myself waking up, I try fighting it but there’s no use. I can’t sleep on nights like this, when reality is better than my dreams, the ones that remind me that life just isn’t fair, and nothing goes the way it should. Maybe, it’s the other way around. My head feels like it’s about to implode from the pressure that’s constantly mounting, my eyes are so heavy. I hold them open just enough to see what’s going on, something I learned from watching my lazy cat one day. I’m greeted by the suffocating darkness, and silence that would kill the senses. I feel around for my phone so I can check the time, and accidentally press a button, the darkness is drowned out by one tiny little beam of light that tells me that in an hour I have to be out of bed, 6:15 a.m.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP 7:20 a.m. I want to throw my phone, I want to shatter it and make that noise stop. That sound means I have to leave the comfort of my safe, warm bed, to face the world, even worse still, myself. I give myself ten minutes to lay and fully wake up. Then like a little old lady I get out of bed with my back hunched over, and my hand on my hip, limping, favoring my right leg. I’m 21, I shouldn’t be so stiff, I think to myself. It seems that there’s always been something wrong with me though. I’ve fallen and hurt myself more times than I could help, I’m clumsy like that. When I watch movies that have the one girl that’s really nerdy, who always drops things, or trips over completely flat surfaces, I relate, I’m that girl. What makes that odd is at the same time I can be the girl she turns into, I walk better in my five inch leopard print stilettos than I can my black worn out converse, I can turn my naturally curly mane into near works of art, when I feel like it, which is rare.
I feel like I was beaten with a baseball bat last night, I’m stiff and sore. The really bad thing about that is I didn’t do anything to be stiff and sore. The only things really taking beatings these days are my self esteem and pride.
7:35 a.m. I don’t look at myself in the mirror while I wash my face or brush my teeth, I don’t want to face the reality yet. Finally, I look up and greet the familiar face that is staring back at me, the face I love to hate. I spend the next few seconds preparing my mask, the one I don’t always wear, but I almost always have ready at any minute. Unlike most women, it’s not a mask of powders, colors, tints, and dye. It’s a mask I created long ago, a mask woven with deceit, and lies. The mask that protects my insecurities from everyone around me, and fools them to believe what I want them to. I stare long and hard at the face looking back at me, and a lifetime of emotions and memories surface all at once, a single salty tear caresses my cheek. Inside my head, all I hear is screaming. Lifelong questions, I never voiced to anyone but myself, why…why...WHY?!?! I really just don’t want to deal with this again today, but it’s the hand I was dealt so I’m playing it the best I know how, bluffing through a lot of it. I’ve had a lifetime to perfect my poker face. I’m good at pretending everything is ok. I don’t talk about the things that make me weak, they are my own personal enemies. Things I’d much rather face alone than in a crowd. So I don my mask, the one that is so transparent. So clear you don’t even know its there, it fools you, which is exactly its purpose. I don’t like pity, I loathe people feeling sorry for me, or treating me different. Behind my mask, I quietly watch.
At birth I was diagnosed with a skin disorder, that causes my cells to reproduce too rapidly and creates an “extra layer of skin” as the doctors and my parents have explained. I always liked to think I was some sort of superhuman, it made me feel better about it. The doctors said a lot of things, they usually do. They told my parents they didn’t really know what would happen, they could only say what might happen. They didn’t really know what to do, my case is the only documented case like it in the world, out of 6 billion plus people, I make being “one of a kind” something completely different. My parents sheltered me and exposed me to the world all at once. They cared for me, and taught me. I was forced to grow up, face, and accept things that some adults can’t accept, and deal with. Nothing could ever prepare me for the things that I would have to deal with though.
I realized how cruel the world was in third grade, at a private school.
The leaves were all gone from the trees, and it was bitterly cold outside. This meant we were stuck inside all day long. We had a daily routine, at my school, the day would start off with prayer, and go straight into Bible Studies. It was more of a Bible history class than just reading Bible stories, that day we read the story of the “Ten lepers”, in the story Jesus heals ten men who are struck with leprosy. I didn’t like where this was headed.
Our teacher explained leprosy to the class, “Its like a skin problem” she states in a matter of fact pious tone, like she does with everything, “you can see it on their skin, and in those times those people were thought to be unclean, so the Jewish people would have nothing to do with them. Because they didn’t want leprosy themselves.”
As soon as the words started pouring out of her mouth, I felt my face turning red hot, not because I had leprosy, but because I noticed the other students in class turning to look at me, including my friends, the girls I ate lunch with every day, the girls I talked with, and played with. My stomach knotted up, and tremors of tears hit my eyes, all at once. I fought off the tears, and took deep breaths, it would be ok, I kept telling myself, I’ll just explain it all.
Lunch time. I was always a picky eater, I brought my own lunch. I went over to ask my friends where they were sitting, I got a cold “We don’t know yet”. I decided that I would just go and sit down, they’d join me once they got through line, wouldn’t they?
Lunch was over, I made a mental note to thank Mom once I got home, she packed my favorite, Cajun Shrimp and Alfredo, with a cookie and a note that said, I love you baby girl always remember that! I hope you are having a good day! Love always Mommy she even drew her signature heart next to her name. That made me feel better, Mom’s are good like that.
After a day of being avoided and ignored, it was time for gym class. We had free time, so I went over to the girls I normally played with, they stepped away and told me not to come near them, that they didn’t want what I had, I had leprosy. I tried explaining that I didn’t, but it just didn’t work like that, it was too late, they wouldn’t listen. I was shunned for the first time in my life. Tears began welling up in my eyes as I walked away. I sat by myself the rest of the class, determining that if they have a problem it was their problem, not mine. I went home that night, and spent what seemed like forever in front of my bathroom mirror building this mask that I wear now. The one that show’s that this just doesn’t bother me. That I’m tough and I can handle anything you throw at me.
A few days later we were doing what kids do, playing together again, laughing & smiling; but I never really was the same.
Years down the line, we were in 8th grade, we had came so far from that day in 3rd grade, we were about to walk across the stage that we had walked across so many times before, Christmas plays, awards, playing, the familiar surroundings would be a faint memory of what used to be, maybe was even forgotten.
I look at the girls next to me, and silently remind myself that people really do change.
My phone buzzes and snaps me back to reality, I hurry and get dressed before I’m late, again. I sigh a deep relieving sigh, I know I really am too hard on myself, and that was a long time ago, but it made me strong, I don’t want to be weak. One last glance and I’m out the door. Facing my fears, and fighting away the memories and emotions that flood over me almost daily.
8:20 a.m.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Post It Tuesday
So I'm following Suit from my Dear Wonderful friend Maria at Ramblings from the Foothills and Starting "Post It Tuesdays' Basically you say what you need to via post its. . . I think I'm going to do my own variation of this If you want to start your own "Post It" go here
I know tonights post was very short, but thats the Point of Post It tuesdays. lol. I will share all my thoughts tomorrow. And believe me there are a lot of them up there. lol.
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